*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

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LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers


[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!


seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!


ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive


Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not


And then the Lord said unto thee “any social media site besides Facebook asking for prayers shall go unanswered.”
Matthew 4:23


“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”


Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust

Now I’m dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble


[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me


Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope’s car.


My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally