*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
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[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.