LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
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gf: this is so hot, seth!
seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Me: well apparently not
And then the Lord said unto thee “any social media site besides Facebook asking for prayers shall go unanswered.”
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust
Now I’m dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope’s car.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally