Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
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I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On