cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
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The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
They’re called werewolves.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.