Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
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Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back