Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
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Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.