cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
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Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.