@tastefactory

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

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@rolldiggity

“Any minute now. Any minute…” -Lincoln Logs, waiting for a phone call from Hollywood

@farouq_yahaya

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

@bakedbrotatoes

-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.

@sixfootcandy

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

@Twitmytweeties

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

@Roweboat13G

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

@MarfSalvador

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

@TheOnion

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

@not_delicate

Brings a loaf of bread to your knife fight because, work smarter not harder amirite?