COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

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My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…


That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.


Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.


Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs


very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell


I like Horror Movies for the first 20 minutes when everyone is just hanging out and having a good time.


Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.


My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.