COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
You Might Also Like
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Very good news from my accountant
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM