COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

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“Any minute now. Any minute…” -Lincoln Logs, waiting for a phone call from Hollywood


“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?



-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.


Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.


1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.


I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.


[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen


Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.


New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App


Brings a loaf of bread to your knife fight because, work smarter not harder amirite?