@tastefactory

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

@Dani_Feld

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

@SCbchbum

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

@donni

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

@bourgeoisalien

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

@Jamdug

I like Horror Movies for the first 20 minutes when everyone is just hanging out and having a good time.

@LostFelicia

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

@3sunzzz

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.