@rolldiggity
“Any minute now. Any minute…” -Lincoln Logs, waiting for a phone call from Hollywood
@tastefactory
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
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@rolldiggity
@farouq_yahaya
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
@bakedbrotatoes
-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.
@sixfootcandy
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
@Twitmytweeties
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
@Roweboat13G
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
@MarfSalvador
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
@JennyJohnsonHi5
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
@TheOnion
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
@not_delicate
Brings a loaf of bread to your knife fight because, work smarter not harder amirite?