Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
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[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame