Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
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My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible