Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
You Might Also Like
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
PLOT TWIST:
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride