I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
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Tell the colonel to bring it
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
😩😩😩
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest