@ohen39

cop: we’d like to ask you some questions
me: I want to see my lawyer
cop: you’re not a suspect
me: I know. I just miss her.

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@fuzzlime

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

@One_FineMess

I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.

I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?

@ravenswng_

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

@UncleDuke1969

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

@Oxey_Rotten

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

@theshrillest

lol these ppl “don’t see race” right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they’re 18th century anthropologists

@Scorpio1080

I love it when the doctor’s office asks me if I’ve been out of the country like I’m super rich or have Ebola.

@mom_tho

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

@KrispyTacoBelle

High maintenance? Is that when you get stoned and fix random shit around the house?

@MarfSalvador

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull