put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
cop: we’d like to ask you some questions
me: I want to see my lawyer
cop: you’re not a suspect
me: I know. I just miss her.
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I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.
I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
lol these ppl “don’t see race” right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they’re 18th century anthropologists
I love it when the doctor’s office asks me if I’ve been out of the country like I’m super rich or have Ebola.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
High maintenance? Is that when you get stoned and fix random shit around the house?
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull