Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
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I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?