Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
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I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
✌🏽
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.