cop: were you texting and driving

me: no i was playing go

cop: go?

me: [speeding off] if you say so

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911: what’s ur emergency

me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me

911: what’s going on?

me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.

911: and why are you in jail?

me: im callin 911 too much :/

911: yep. you know what this means.

me: worse jail :/

911: *nods* worse jail




“I’m going to the post office. I need a place stamp”

Wtf is that?

“I dunno but this envelope says I need one here”


Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”


One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week


My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.


If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.


“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.


FRIEND: A ton of people were at the party last night
ME: Thats only 14 people given an avg body wt of 136lbs
F: This is why u werent invited