cop: were you texting and driving

me: no i was playing go

cop: go?

me: [speeding off] if you say so

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The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.


My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them


Tell your kids where hotdogs come from first. They won’t ever ask about babies.


Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!


If you didn’t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.


(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.


broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere


Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.