911: what’s ur emergency
me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me
911: what’s going on?
me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.
911: and why are you in jail?
me: im callin 911 too much :/
911: yep. you know what this means.
me: worse jail :/
911: *nods* worse jail
cop: were you texting and driving
me: no i was playing go
me: [speeding off] if you say so
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Wtf is that?
“I dunno but this envelope says I need one here”
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One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I have to give my cat a bath
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
FRIEND: A ton of people were at the party last night
ME: Thats only 14 people given an avg body wt of 136lbs
F: This is why u werent invited