@tweetsbyrocket

cop: were you texting and driving

me: no i was playing go

cop: go?

me: [speeding off] if you say so

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@adrianmyreality

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

@bewgtweets

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

@LauraBowes

Tell your kids where hotdogs come from first. They won’t ever ask about babies.

@imVig

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!

@Parentpains

If you didn’t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.

@geowizzacist

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

@MatthewEPierce

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

@stephenjmolloy

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.