Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
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Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”