*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
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Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Cats (2019)
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down