Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?