@sad_jake
@sugarwits
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
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@sugarwits
@aotakeo
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
@Lerky
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
@UncleDuke1969
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
@smithsara79
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
@librarianfonz
An idea only achieves transcendence after it is:
1. Published as book
2. Made into a feature film
3. Turned into an amusement park ride
@ElleOhHell
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
@PatsATweetin
Dracula: Magic Mirror on the wall, who now is the fairest one of all?
Magic Mirror: Who said that?
@AliceAvizandum
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
@TitansHomer
Wife: What’s the Harlem shake?
Me: I don’t know, I think they sell them at Burger King?