@sad_jake
@LMLMadness Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
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@LMLMadness 
@iamjeffsloan Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
@JediGigi “I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
@tsm560 Her: About last night, please understand that wasn’t me… that was the wine.
Me: …
Her: …
Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?
@wolfpupy ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
@mortimermaiden me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
@SarcasticCharm Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
@pilau me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
@Shock_Monster Why do Asian people never seem to age?
I met a chinese girl today & I estimate her age to be somewhere between 4 & 197.
@sofarrsogud ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.