@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.

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@Pirate_nurse

In my defense I told him it was my cheat day and I didn’t understand why he brought home cupcakes and not Juan from the gym

@tigersgoroooar

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

@Reel2Dialog2

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

@karencheee

People are like trees: you can figure out their age by cutting into them & counting the rings.

Right? I didn’t do this for nothing, right?

@NewDadNotes

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

@iRowlf

My girlfriend thinks that I can’t cook, but as soon as I figure out how much Play-Doh is supposed to go in meatloaf, I’ll prove her wrong.

@ramblinma

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

@mrtruthandsoul

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?