Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.

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Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer


*gets pulled over*

Officer: how high are u

Me: no officer, it’s hi, how are u


Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’


Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.


ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]


When my kids come to me with problems I just tell them to watch Full House until they find an episode dealing with their issue.


I tried to kill a spider by drowning it in douche and now it keeps picking fights with me on social media


Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.


I sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I shit on?”