Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.

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In my defense I told him it was my cheat day and I didn’t understand why he brought home cupcakes and not Juan from the gym


I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.


[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*


People are like trees: you can figure out their age by cutting into them & counting the rings.

Right? I didn’t do this for nothing, right?


Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.


My girlfriend thinks that I can’t cook, but as soon as I figure out how much Play-Doh is supposed to go in meatloaf, I’ll prove her wrong.


Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”


How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?