Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.
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Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Her: About last night, please understand that wasn’t me… that was the wine.
Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Why do Asian people never seem to age?
I met a chinese girl today & I estimate her age to be somewhere between 4 & 197.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.