@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.

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@sugarwits

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

@aotakeo

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

@Lerky

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

@UncleDuke1969

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

@smithsara79

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

@librarianfonz

An idea only achieves transcendence after it is:

1. Published as book
2. Made into a feature film
3. Turned into an amusement park ride

@ElleOhHell

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

@PatsATweetin

Dracula: Magic Mirror on the wall, who now is the fairest one of all?

Magic Mirror: Who said that?

@AliceAvizandum

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

@TitansHomer

Wife: What’s the Harlem shake?

Me: I don’t know, I think they sell them at Burger King?