I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
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Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome