@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.

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@LMLMadness

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

@iamjeffsloan

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

@JediGigi

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

@tsm560

Her: About last night, please understand that wasn’t me… that was the wine.
Me: …
Her: …
Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?

@wolfpupy

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

@mortimermaiden

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

@SarcasticCharm

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

@pilau

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

@Shock_Monster

Why do Asian people never seem to age?

I met a chinese girl today & I estimate her age to be somewhere between 4 & 197.

@sofarrsogud

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.