@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.

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@meghaffer

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

@PakuluPapito1

*gets pulled over*

Officer: how high are u

Me: no officer, it’s hi, how are u

@Darlainky

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

@MissHavisham

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

@chuuew

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

@hazelmotes1

When my kids come to me with problems I just tell them to watch Full House until they find an episode dealing with their issue.

@Sickayduh

I tried to kill a spider by drowning it in douche and now it keeps picking fights with me on social media

@GoldenSpirals

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

@goofyrice

I sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I shit on?”