@sad_jake
@Pirate_nurse
In my defense I told him it was my cheat day and I didn’t understand why he brought home cupcakes and not Juan from the gym
You Might Also Like
@Pirate_nurse
@E_lok44
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
@tigersgoroooar
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
@Reel2Dialog2
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
@karencheee
People are like trees: you can figure out their age by cutting into them & counting the rings.
Right? I didn’t do this for nothing, right?
@NewDadNotes
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
@iRowlf
My girlfriend thinks that I can’t cook, but as soon as I figure out how much Play-Doh is supposed to go in meatloaf, I’ll prove her wrong.
@ramblinma
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
@MsLighthouseCat
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
@mrtruthandsoul
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?