Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
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It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
What
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
🏙👨🏼
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head