@curlycomedy

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

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@climaxximus

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

@champ_of_yuth

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

@SmurfetteDE

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

@ItsAndyRyan

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

@causticbob

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

@mela_shea

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

@justabloodygame

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

@david8hughes

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

@Thedudish

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

@weinerdog4life

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.