cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
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[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*