Kanye deleted all the slander like we didn’t have an hour to grab screenshots and make power point presentations
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
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Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I always leave the room when my son’s imaginary friend comes to play. I’ve seen ‘The Sixth Sense’ and frankly, I’m not taking any chances.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
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…Stay Free Maxi-pads…
…When your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.
Reviews of Hogwarts
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”
“At least one student dies every year”
November 5, 2010 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disgusting, i hate her with my life, she doesnot leave the lizard alone
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster