Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
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Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West