Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
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the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.