@OctopusCaveman

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

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@SloanPerry

when you push a pull door and the person behind says “you need to pull” aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom

@IndecisiveJones

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

@rockymomax

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

@JasonLastname

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

@simoncholland

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

@nottheworstmom

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

@pro_worrier_

It’s the day after Christmas and all through the house the creatures were digging through trash to find the toy they accidentally threw away

@JackalAnon

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

@samalmightysam

God was able to create everything in only 6 days cause he didn’t have a woman next to him telling him what color she wanted everything to be