Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

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when you push a pull door and the person behind says “you need to pull” aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom


if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt


HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?


If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.


[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?


I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.


It’s the day after Christmas and all through the house the creatures were digging through trash to find the toy they accidentally threw away


So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.


God was able to create everything in only 6 days cause he didn’t have a woman next to him telling him what color she wanted everything to be