That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
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I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
A roof is a house hat.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?