Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
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[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Can’t. Being lazy.