Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

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Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47


It’s like my fridge sends texts inviting all my friends over the moment I fill it up.


Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire


The year is 2087. Selfies are the new currency now and that annoying girl you went to high school with is the richest person in the world.


[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do


Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up


Star Wars 7 is when they all realize that they are just Andy’s toys.


Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.