@Darlainky

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

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@Zambah_

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

@jake_lach

I warned everyone that I take charades seriously and now three people are crying

@Trisarahjtops

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

@jewfacekilla

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

@DanMentos

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

@I_am_Lukem

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

@Shen_the_Bird

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

@Cycloptomese

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

@TheTweetOfGod

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.