@Darlainky

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

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@sageboggs

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

@LoneWolfStories

It’s like my fridge sends texts inviting all my friends over the moment I fill it up.

@johnbiehl

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

@jwoodham

The year is 2087. Selfies are the new currency now and that annoying girl you went to high school with is the richest person in the world.

@david8hughes

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

@T_Bonezzz_

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

@Davesub10S

Star Wars 7 is when they all realize that they are just Andy’s toys.

@BuckyIsotope

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.