Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

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airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home


Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!


I’ve invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not


At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.


I wanna join a gang so I can get in a street fight with a rival gang and intimidatingly snap my fingers to a clever song about friendship.


I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.


Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.


I think if we leave a bunch of cell phones in the forest, eventually Big Foot will be tempted to take a selfie.


Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.


Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that