When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
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[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
A woman with questionable hygiene, no teeth, and an eye patch asked me if I was looking for a date..
Long story short, picking her up at 7.
“My daughter ain’t dating no black lab”
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.