Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

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When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.


[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?


A woman with questionable hygiene, no teeth, and an eye patch asked me if I was looking for a date..

Long story short, picking her up at 7.


Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work


Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.


[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”


[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.