Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
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I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Me :
All Day At Night
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??