@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

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@pattymo

After every one of Benedict Cumberbatch’s lines in DR. STRANGE, turn to your neighbor & say “I guess that’s why they call him Dr. Strange”

@causticbob

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

@SexySpainNights

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

@ohmygrapeness

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

@woodmuffin

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

@momTruthBomb

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

@HatfieldAnne

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.