Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
You Might Also Like
After every one of Benedict Cumberbatch’s lines in DR. STRANGE, turn to your neighbor & say “I guess that’s why they call him Dr. Strange”
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how