Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
My wife gives the best headache.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.