Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
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Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Life cycle of cat
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.