@daddydoubts

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

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@distracdad

Paper plates were invented by a guy whose wife asked him to do the dishes once.

@MeetingBoy

When I asked for screenshots, I meant using the PRT SCR button, not shaky pictures of the screen with your phone, you idiot.

@Iwriteforcats

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

@sarousti

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

@MandiAtRandom

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

@partlyfunny

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

@DanSpenser

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

@duplicitron

Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.