Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

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Paper plates were invented by a guy whose wife asked him to do the dishes once.


When I asked for screenshots, I meant using the PRT SCR button, not shaky pictures of the screen with your phone, you idiot.


Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.


FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building


Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.


If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.


[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”


A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.


Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.