me: hi do you take walk-ins?
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
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interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
My car keeps doing that thing where I get in it and suddenly I’m at the McDonald’s drive-thru
wife: “he never reacts appropriately, just tell him”
doctor: “ok, keith we had to remove both your legs”
me: “where will i keep my car keys”
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me