@pleatedjeans

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

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@OllyiConic

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

@LurkAtHomeMom

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

@kngarou

My car keeps doing that thing where I get in it and suddenly I’m at the McDonald’s drive-thru

@KeetPotato

wife: “he never reacts appropriately, just tell him”
doctor: “ok, keith we had to remove both your legs”
me: “where will i keep my car keys”

@sah_nursemom

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

@1970RobD

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

@WildeThingy

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

@whatmaddness

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

@audipenny

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me