cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
You Might Also Like
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.