My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
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“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I hate my earbuds.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.