@Playing_Dad

Cop: Wife shot the husband for bothering her while reading a book
Sargent: You arrested her?
C: No
S: Why?
C: She’s not done with the book

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@mattZillaaaa

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

@elle91

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

@Izianikapani

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

@KizerBillhelm

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

@Probgoblin

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

@jonnysun

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

@bombfunk75

– Deletes FB account
– Leaves Social Media
– Moves to Himalayas
– Pigeon comes with a note
– Opens note
– Candycrush request

@dimplesticks

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

@iTweetNShit

$2000 date? We better be sitting at the table with Jay-Z and Obama at the same time while eating dinosaurs & sippin’ on virgin Indian tears.

@AbbyHasIssues

Sorry, package of water bottles. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.