@Rollmaninoz

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

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@GrantTanaka

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

@fakegoldegg

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

@pplwtching

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

@Not_YourDentist

Dentist: So, Alexa, how often do you floss?

Alexa [nervously]: L-l-low batttterrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy

@MsBross

Apparently, you can only say “look at you! You got so big!” to children. Adults tend to get offended.

@SnarkyMommy78

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

@ceejoyner

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

@Fab_Mommy_

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

@Reverend_Scott

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

@DomesticGoddss

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.