Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

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“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime



thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime


If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.


Dentist: So, Alexa, how often do you floss?

Alexa [nervously]: L-l-low batttterrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy


Apparently, you can only say “look at you! You got so big!” to children. Adults tend to get offended.


*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that



Me: ok, good talk

4: no


If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.


Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.


Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.


I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.