“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
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thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Dentist: So, Alexa, how often do you floss?
Alexa [nervously]: L-l-low batttterrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy
Apparently, you can only say “look at you! You got so big!” to children. Adults tend to get offended.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me: ok, good talk
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.