@TheHyyyype

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

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@monicaheisey

my dad has been telling me for years about various friendly encounters with Mike, another resident of his apartment building he really likes and i found out yesterday that Mike is a dog

@WheelTod

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

@rockymomax

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

@armyVet1972

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

@six4j

When I leave the gym, I feel sculpted like the great greek god Hippopotames

@mom_tho

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

@CulturedRuffian

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

@TheRealPalMal

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

@raniao2011

I don’t hold grudges or plot for revenge, I will simply send a bunch of Jehovah’s witnesses to your door…on a daily basis.