[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
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Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
#TopTip
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Got him!
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point