Dr: Are you sexually active?
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
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?When the moon hits your eye?
You’ll be killed.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Tell me
– U should know
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.