Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
You Might Also Like
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.