4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
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I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.