Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
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I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
San Francisco has too many rules
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!