Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Cop: “You been drinkin?”
Me: I’m going to dinner w/my wife’s mom & 94yo granny
“You’re free to go..”
Come on dude. Can’t you just arrest me?
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11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
‘911 HELP SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY HOUSE’
uh ok, wow. not loving your tone. why don’t you hang up, lose the ‘tude and lets try that again, pal
Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
interviewer: how are you with excel?
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?
Her: You mean set the bag on fire
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”