@AristotlesNZ

Cop: “You been drinkin?”
Me: I’m going to dinner w/my wife’s mom & 94yo granny
“You’re free to go..”
Come on dude. Can’t you just arrest me?

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@KizerBillhelm

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

@AndyAsAdjective

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

@hippieswordfish

‘911 HELP SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY HOUSE’

uh ok, wow. not loving your tone. why don’t you hang up, lose the ‘tude and lets try that again, pal

@PastorBate

Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

@tweetsbyrocket

interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@Tommytoughstuff

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

@BoogTweets

Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?

Her: You mean set the bag on fire

Me:

[sirens]

@abbycohenwl

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck