Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
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Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.