kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
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I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[watching our kid play at the park]
ME: awww, he got your anxiety with strangers
HIM: and look, your irrational fear of birds!
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
I’m not insulting you..
I’m describing you..
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
dad: What’s a carburetor?
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh