@ShortSleeveSuit

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

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@jamdugg

Her: We should do something fun for our 15th anniversary

Me: I want to jump out of a plane

Her: Go skydiving?

Me: No

@PetrickSara

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

@space0tter

*Cop yells at dog*
LADY WHAT ARE U DOING
*dog continues to give birth*
THATS IT UR GETTING A TICKET FOR
*looks directly at camera*
LITTERING

@GingerHotDish

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

@apok842

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

@BackrowSeats

This beautiful woman is winking at me. Now she’s using the other eye. Never mind, she’s just falling asleep.

@Di0nysus7

He asked what I like in bed so I was honest:

1. My dog
2. iPhone
3. Blankets fresh from the dryer
4. Take out

@Livsey1

“People want to feel special.. they’ll buy sugary piss in a bottle as long as it has their name on it.” – Executives at Coke