Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign