doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
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The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”