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@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Well, I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

ME: Should I come back when you’ve sobered up?

@BlancheDD140

‘No Panties Tuesday’ is a thing, right?

Or AKA, I really need to do some laundry.

@don_haworth

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

@MattTheBrand

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

@mattgallo123

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

@Axenbane

I would be completely shocked if I ever won the lottery. Mainly because I don’t play the lottery.

@vikkaroni

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.