DOCTOR: Well, I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking
ME: Should I come back when you’ve sobered up?
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….when optimism gets out of control.
Oh you have morals? You must be new here.
‘No Panties Tuesday’ is a thing, right?
Or AKA, I really need to do some laundry.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I would be completely shocked if I ever won the lottery. Mainly because I don’t play the lottery.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.