Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
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I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.