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DOCTOR: Well, I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

ME: Should I come back when you’ve sobered up?


‘No Panties Tuesday’ is a thing, right?

Or AKA, I really need to do some laundry.


I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row


parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!


My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.


I would be completely shocked if I ever won the lottery. Mainly because I don’t play the lottery.


My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.