Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
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Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
oh my gosh!!
Goat cheese is for herders.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Monday Lisa
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?