Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
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ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Lmao 🤣
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?