Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?

Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?

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Me: I’ll have the lasagna
Waiter: do you want bugs in that?
Me: what? No
Waiter: ok good that would be gross


Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.


My five stages of waking up:

5)Extreme hostility


Whoever called it a “dust bunny” was in a super good mood.


If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.


*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few


Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…


[training to be a crime investigator]

investigator: he was eaten by a cannibal

me: *writing* eaten by cannon ball

investigator: no, cannon balls shoot, cannibals eat people

me: *writing* cannon balls shoot and eat people


I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.


My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.