My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Not using my blinker?
M: Because I’m drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!
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Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
God: your name is Owl.
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
When Bruce Banner gets constipated do you think he turns into the Hulk? – just one of the thoughts I have during important business meetings
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
My 6 year old nephew is legitimately pissed off that there is no actual monkey in the monkey bread.
friend: how do u meet girls
me: I find the hottest grandma at the nursing home
me: I wait for her granddaughter to visit
friend: haha clever
me: then ask if her grandma is single
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed