@Jaywoo74

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Speeding?
C: No!
M: Not using my blinker?
C: No!
M: Because I’m drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!

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@SCbchbum

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

@dumbbeezie

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

@NewDadNotes

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

@theshamingofjay

When Bruce Banner gets constipated do you think he turns into the Hulk? – just one of the thoughts I have during important business meetings

@longwall26

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

@VaultsOpen

My 6 year old nephew is legitimately pissed off that there is no actual monkey in the monkey bread.

@clichedout

friend: how do u meet girls

me: I find the hottest grandma at the nursing home

friend:

me: I wait for her granddaughter to visit

friend: haha clever

me: then ask if her grandma is single

@DannyZuker

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

@KeetPotato

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

@mom_ontherocks

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed