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[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.