@robfromonline

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

You Might Also Like

@Nikkeya08

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

@Home_Halfway

JUDGE: Has the jury reached the verdict?

T-REX JURY: Um, we’re unable reach anything Your Honor

@_Tempo11

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@jwoodham

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

@evilbart24

Uber driver: ……….

Me: ………..

Uber driver: …………

Me: ………….

Uber driver: ………….

Me: …………….

Uber driver: …………….

Me: ………………

Uber driver: you have arrived

Me: 5 Stars

@50FirstTates

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use