Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
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When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep