White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
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People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Florida man
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit