@kellyoxford 7yr old “Do women get their periods on weekends too?”
Me “Yes”
7yr old mutters to herself “Jesus Christ”
@tweetsaboutdog cop: you know why I pulled you over?
me: u want dating advice
cop: what… no
me: just be yourself
cop: im a cop
me: you’re right don’t be yourself cops suck
cop:
me: be the opposite of yourself
cop: a criminal?
me: yea
criminal:
me: you know why i pulled you over?
cop: you know why I pulled you over?
me: u want dating advice
cop: what… no
me: just be yourself
cop: im a cop
me: you’re right don’t be yourself cops suck
cop:
me: be the opposite of yourself
cop: a criminal?
me: yea
criminal:
me: you know why i pulled you over?
- @tweetsaboutdog
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@kellyoxford 
@mrjohntofu Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
@TheMichaelRock Breaking News: Radio Shack is closing 1,100 stores nationwide.
Even Breakier News: I can’t believe there’s 1,100 Radio Shack’s.
@OfficialBanks93 If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working
@kirstenmorry Beware the Jubjub bird AND shun the frumious Bandersnatch? In this economy?!
@zachreinert03 If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they’re probably blacked out and just won’t remember I stole their car.
@gingerfaced Nobody gracefully gets out of a beanbag chair.
@platinum2000 “If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
@CantWaitToNap “I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
@Grind_n_Roll I don’t like dictatorships. All dictators should be shot, and if anybody disagrees with me, they should be shot as well.