@tweetsaboutdog

cop: you know why I pulled you over?

me: u want dating advice

cop: what… no

me: just be yourself

cop: im a cop

me: you’re right don’t be yourself cops suck

cop:

me: be the opposite of yourself

cop: a criminal?

me: yea

criminal:

me: you know why i pulled you over?

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@JonMHamm

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

@offbeatoliv

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

@stevevsninjas

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

@MattMcC1

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

@bobby

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

@skylerhanrath

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

@McClaneJohn2

Calm down car stereo volume I’m not the same person I was yesterday.

@3sunzzz

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.