@dave_cactus
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
@tweetsaboutdog
cop: you know why I pulled you over?
me: u want dating advice
cop: what… no
me: just be yourself
cop: im a cop
me: you’re right don’t be yourself cops suck
cop:
me: be the opposite of yourself
cop: a criminal?
me: yea
criminal:
me: you know why i pulled you over?
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@dave_cactus
@JonMHamm
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
@offbeatoliv
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
@stevevsninjas
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
@MattMcC1
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
@bobby
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
@skylerhanrath
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
@McClaneJohn2
Calm down car stereo volume I’m not the same person I was yesterday.
@3sunzzz
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.