9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
cop: you know why I pulled you over?
me: u want dating advice
cop: what… no
me: just be yourself
cop: im a cop
me: you’re right don’t be yourself cops suck
me: be the opposite of yourself
cop: a criminal?
me: you know why i pulled you over?
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Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Last night I finally slept with a woman who has a Coke bottle figure. Unfortunately, she was a 3 liter.