Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
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Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him