“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
You Might Also Like
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
No selfies while hijacking a train.
found this cool rock hiking today
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
“Miss me yet?” – 2019